Some days I’m just staring at the wall slowly realising that I’m an adult.
He cursed himself as he walked inside. She was dancing, carefree, innocent, and alone. He promised himself that she would be the one thing that he wouldn’t ruin while he was here. He had only two weeks before he was shipped back overseas where he couldn’t do anymore damage. But she was dancing in the middle of the room with her eyes closed. How could one woman look so free in so small a space?
He couldn’t hold it back anymore he just had to touch her.
She stopped and slowly opened her eyes. When she saw him standing by the open door she smiled. He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep the distance anymore. He rushed forward and gathered her into his arms to consume her. He silently cursed himself and prayed that this time he wouldn’t hurt her. That he can love her and leave her whole.
I am so very, very broken right now. I didn’t realize how much until yesterday. I was helping as a teacher’s aide to children in daycare. The kids were probably between the ages of six and seven. The teacher had given them a logic puzzle to solve. You know, like the ones they give you in math class? If Jimmy has the jump rope, and Sally has the bike, then who is walking? Anyway, I solved the puzzle easily after two seconds of looking at it. The teacher asked me to explain to the kids how I solved it. I could only reply, I don’t know. Because I don’t know how I got the answer. All I know is that the answer is right. I wish I could explain how I felt at that moment. It took me five minutes to figure out that I solved it with simple process of elimination. It is weird realizing that my brain works on a different level than most people’s. And it is even stranger still trying to explain to other people how I function. I think if I didn’t have my bipolar problem, that overrides the circuits with emotion, I would be capable of so much more. Or I am just limited myself because of my mental illnesses. I’d love to see how far this broken mind can go.