A Look In

I opened an email from L that only held a brief message and several attachments. I click on the link and watched pictures load on my computer screen. Two blonde little girls followed a cow down narrow street ways of India their darker skinned cousins with them. Another of the same two girls reading a book with their darker skinned little sister. A family photo loads this time and I see the two little girls smiling brightly, two beautiful white lilies among carnations.

Each photo is a tiny window into the lives of the daughters I cherish. Seven years ago I decided to give them a better life and found a lovely couple who would cherish them as much as I do. It was a difficult decision to give up my twin daughters but I wasn’t in a position to raise them properly. So I went on a search to find the two people in this world who will love the little lights of my life.

I found L and N through an adoption agency and they were perfect. I didn’t care that they were from a different country than me or that they practiced Hindi. It didn’t matter that they lived halfway across the country. What I cared about the most was how much they loved my daughters. In the first interview I had with them they showed more love and interest in my daughters than any other couple before them. They were exactly what I wanted.

They came down to New Mexico on several connecting flights just so that they could carry our daughters home. My heart broke to see my little girls carried away by two people I barely knew. I had to let them go though because life with me wasn’t stable or healthy by any means. Such precious little children needed to be loved and adored. They should never have to see the harsher side of life. By giving them up I gave them a better life.

It wasn’t until after my daughters were safely in the care of their new parents that I started to worry about the little things. Where will they go to school? Will they make any friends? How will they adjust to the new situation? Will they understand why their skin color is different from their parents?  Would they hate me for giving them up? Over and over these questions circled around in my mind. I told myself that I was worrying over nothing but felt it was best to reach out anyway.

As it turns out L was worried about the same things. We bonded first over how we felt that our daughters should be raised. We both believed in a well rounded education. We both believed that our daughters should be encouraged to pursue whatever made them happiest. We both loved watching our daughters explore the world around them. So L and I kept in touch. She would tell me what the girls were up to and would, try, to update her on what I was doing. I had a hard time relating how my life was going because I felt that I didn’t deserve any of the good stuff that was happening to me because I couldn’t raise my daughters. L seemed to understand what I was going through and encouraged me to open up even a little bit. She kept sending updates and pictures even though I never really wrote back. I will always be grateful to her for this look in on their perfect lives.  

Caged Bird

Does the caged bird know how to fly? Is is always in its cage with only food and water for company. It can look outside to see its brethren soar throw the sky. But does this caged bird still know how to fly? It is difficult to say. We can watch it stretch its wings as it watches the other birds fly. We can see the tentative flaps that get stopped by the edges of the cage. We won’t ever know if the bird can really fly until we open the cage and let it go free.