Emotional Enbalance

Once upon a time I used to know how to feel. I could freely laugh, cry when I got sad, or yell when I was angry. A long time ago my emotions were mine to control. Now I laugh when I feel like crying because the tears refuse to fall. If a few tears do leak out I shut down to prevent the meltdown. My rage now has a mind of its own going off on simple, little things. As if such a small transgression could destroy my world. To keep the peace my feelings are locked in a box I rarely open.

Blogging Validity

Each post gets a like and you feel as if you’ve won a badge of honor. You don’t post for weeks not knowing what to write and somehow your followers multiply. Someone comments and suddenly you feel as if you reached into someone else and seen a part of their soul. Blogging may look like the tired rantings of the bored to some. To me it is a connection in a wold where I feel disconnected.

You Don’t Even Know

I tell you I have trouble socializing, you say you understand. I tell you I don’t don’t handle problems well, you day no one does. I tell you that there is no such thing as a small change for me, you say that I’m exaggerating. You don’t even know what really goes on inside m head. You don’t know that my trouble with socializing is not about being shy. It’s looking at the world around me and only seeing enemies. You don’t realize that any problem sends me into a spiral of worry and self doubt. A spiral that isn’t fixed with a few positive phrases. You don’t even see that any changes will change me drastically. Even if it is something small like changing when I eat. You don’t even know the battle I face everyday just to do the few things I do.

Writer In Dreams

The Wall

I feel the tears building up behind the wall. All of my pain and frustration built this wall inside of me. My refusal to feel these emotions forged each brick in the wall. When the tears come I’m told to let them fall, but the pain only adds another brick in the wall.

Writer In Dreams

Living With Bipolar: Control

Often in therapy I’m asked, “What in your life do you feel you have no control?”  It’s easier to list what I do have control over.
I can control when I go to sleep, when I eat, when I breathe, when I bathe, what I watch, and what I wear. Everything else seems dictated, either by the people around me, or my emotional state. I still have appointments to keep no matter how I feel emotionally. My emotions still vary from day to day despite taking meds religiously. All medication has done is give me more good days than bad. Still, when a bad day hits nothing helps to make it better. My thoughts turn dark and everything I try just adds to the depression. People around me try to help but all it does is make me feel more of a lost cause. A mantra I have that keeps me going through the bad is, “I know good days exisist. Tomorrow will be better. I know good days exisist. Tomorrow will be better.” Until then I live on an island away from anyone my bad day will harm.

Writer In Dreams