“Then Along Comes Mary”

The song lyrics ring through my soul. I’m not sure how but the Bloodhound Gang managed to describe my exact life with that one song.

And then along comes Mary
And does she want to see the stains, the dead remains of all the pains
She left the night before
Or will their waking eyes reflect the lies, and make them
Realize their urgent cry for sight no morend then along comes Mary

And does she want to see the stains, the dead remains of all the pains
She left the night before
Or will their waking eyes reflect the lies, and make them
Realize their urgent cry for sight no more

I was ready to be left alone in my darkness. The stains slowly spreading around me. Then she shows up with topaz colored eyes and I knew I could no longer hide.


The Look Inside

You’ve shown me pieces of yourself you’ve never shown anybody else. Both the good and the bad you’ve let me see it all. This look inside has shown me a world that I thought was lost to me. All I want to do is be a part of what you are.

The Beautiful You

I wish you knew how beautiful you were. All you see are the imperfections and flaws. What you don’t seem to realize is those cracks, chips, and missing pieces make you the georgeous person that you are. You take on the world with a single minded determination that demands people either work with you or get out of the way. You have given me strength to do the same in my own life. The love that shines out of you makes the whole world stop and pay attention. When you’re angry the world tremmbles and bows ant your feet. I will make it my goal in life to show you the beautiful you.


I have made the biggest change in my life. I decided to leave the desert that I have lived in for 31 years. A friend was leaving and offered to pay my way if I could promise that I would set up a life of my own. I made all the necessary promises and took the necessary precautions. Now I live in Portland, Oregon. I’ve only been here ten days and I can already feel the changes that the place is starting to have on me. I am always busy doing something. The library or a park has become my regular haunts during the day. At least until my job starts next week. I have found a place to volunteer my time for the days that I have off. Everything is so much better where I am at now than where I was before.

Confessions of a Stoner

I just had a revelation while smoking outside this morning. The two guys I’ve had crushes on, Tennessee and Kit, I’ve liked for one real reason only. They reminded me of a past me I liked. Kit reminds me of High School where I could roam the halls in my iron armor and nothing could touch me. At the same time I could touch no one but that was the draw back. However, the time I liked is that when interacting with others I could give as good as I got. I miss being that strong. Tennessee reminds me of who I was in Middle School. I fought back then. Anyone tried to mess with me I fought back, if it was warranted. There are a few I let go because I wasn’t that petty. Now I am that petty but I can fight back now. The me then, both times, wouldn’t have let herself be the victim. It wouldn’t have mattered if anything actually happened to her. She just would’ve picked herself up, dusted herself off, and walked forward. I don’t know when I fell down and refused to get back up but I can’t do that anymore. I need to be like my younger self. I need to get back up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward.

A World of Chaos

The last month of my life has been one big up and down, one after another. It started with a documentary that I am participating in. I began the month preparing for this woman who was coming in all the way from New York to my tiny little corner of the desert to film my life. She wanted to film me interacting with people and doing normal things in Las Cruces, New Mexico. “No one lives in a vacuum,” she reasoned. While I agree with her I actually do live in one because I don’t go out and do anything. I like staying at home writing. So, I prepared for this woman to come and show her all the things I would do if only I were the type to leave the house.

Not two days before this woman is supposed to show up on my doorstep my roommate and I get a letter stating that we had to be out in three days. Apparently giving your roommate $800 for rent doesn’t necessarily mean that they will actually pay the rent. I now have to deal with the fact that I am packing for more than just a week up north. I have to also go through my stuff and downsize so that I can travel with everything I own because I have nowhere else to live. One might ask where my brothers were for this situation. My eldest brother was giving me the only option of going to the homeless shelter where I would not be allowed to take my medical cannabis despite the fact that I have a prescription for it because it is still a level one narcotic. My younger brother was trying to allow me to sleep on his couch but was having trouble convincing his wife. My roommate moved back in with his own parents leaving me with nowhere to go and a lady at my door with a camera ready to film my life.

I spent that weekend in the hotel with the lady and her assistant. I took them around to the places I used to haunt. I even showed off the few little gems that could be found in this corner of the desert. They know the place where I find the most peace. They’ve seen the view I love the most. They took me back to the place where my nightmares dwell. Overall it was a very emotional weekend. I didn’t allow myself to settle onto anyone moment and just kept moving forward through everything.

Monday comes around and I am heading on a plane to go and see my daughters. L had purchased tickets for me to come out and see our daughters at the beginning of summer and I couldn’t back out at the last minute just because my life had suddenly burst into chaos. The lady doing the documentary on the adoption of our daughters and the family that sprung out of that decision flew with me giving me support for that initial flight out to Pennsylvania. I traveled with my entire wardrobe, my books and furniture had been placed in storage by the roommate that had screwed me over. I honestly didn’t want to return to the town where I had nowhere to live. I still had to face L and tell her the truth about what was going on in my life.

The first thing L asks is, “What can I do to help? What is it that you need?” Honestly, that threw me back a little bit because all I got from anyone was, “What are you going to do now?” It was weird for me to be asked what they could do to help. I didn’t know what to tell her and had to think for a little bit on how she could help. Together we went over job options and living options that I had. In the end, no matter what I tried to do otherwise, it was decided that at the end of the trip I would return to my little desert town and start the job that I had waiting for me.

Knowing the next step of where I was going to live allowed me to enjoy my time with our daughters. I saw for myself the spoiled lives the twins now live with their little sister. They have wanted for nothing since L and N adopted them. As a family, we went out to a restaurant where L and N showed me northern Indian cuisine. I met aunts, uncles, cousins, and even L’s own mother. The twins were in high spirits talking with their cousins and hugging everyone. While N was at work everyone went to the zoo where we fed giraffes. I’ve walked the neighborhood with L at night where we shared hopes, fears, and writing ideas. I’ve seen the school where our twins attend classes. The youngest child constantly got my attention and daughters were tickled excessively. It was a very loving and relaxing time in my moment of chaos.

I leave Pennsylvania with a writing project that L and I will both be working on and a loan to help me find a place to live. There is a place for me to stay now. I also passed the interview for my prospective job and started training within the first week of returning home. My Month was utter chaos and I am still reeling from the effects. Everything is working out now but there was a moment when I wasn’t sure it would’ve. All because I got help from an unexpected source.