As the Year begins we all recover from the previous night’s debauchery that was inspired by the greeting of the New Year. Most of us return to our regular jobs grateful to have survived whatever 2023 was. Some of us reflect on what amazing changes and opportunities we were given in 2023. I happen to be one of those that had experienced epic changes in my life. So much so that looking forward to 2024 seems a tad daunting if I am being completely honest. That being said, I hope that all of my friends and loved ones experience their greatest desire that year.
My 2024 is already promising to be filled with new experiences and even more changes than 2023. Every third Monday will have me in a tap house in Southwest Portland doing tarot readings at a Pagan Market that is using the upper floor of this 100-year-old building off of Barbur. Every third Sunday will be my Intro to Tarot Reading class that I will be hosting via Zoom. It will be the same class I will be giving at the Seaside Ghost Conference in March. It’s officially scheduled for Saturday, March 23rd from 3pm – 5pm. And that is not counting the Fireside Moon Bazaar in February, the Beltane event at Ffynnon, and the two other OWOW events during the year. Not to mention the Eugene Pagan Pride at the end of Summer, along with the Samhaine and Krampus Bazaars that Pagan Fyre will be putting on at the end of the year.
Then I’ve got to take into account all of the personal changes that seem small in comparison. I still have every Thursday for the next year blocked out for a Lunar Year class. Pagan Fyre is looking to move locations and I am honor-bound to do Tarot Tuesdays for the Pagan Fyre TikTok @paganfyre until December 2024. Plus I have to create a TikTok for my Crows of Fate Psychic Services business and do collective Tarot Readings at a scheduled time for that TikTok as well. There are also Facebook and Instagram accounts I have to create for the business if I want to reach both Gen Z and Gen Alpha.
2024 is looking to be very busy for me, documenting everything on this blog might be the only way I can keep it all straight. Granted not everything I post will be available for the public as they will include places or people that ask for anonymity. It will still be nice to share the journey with those that do follow me. I just hope that 2024 is kind as we collectively move forward into this election year.
As stated in a previous post I have been accepted as a teacher at the next Oregon Ghost Conference hosted in the Seaside Conference Center. I’ve been told by others that my understanding of tarot is good enough I could actually teach others. So I decided to give it a shot and start with an introduction to my craft. After all, if you should start anything, even teaching, you start with an introduction. This also means introducing myself to the world as a tarot reader.
I will admit that in my rough drafts of the lecture, I may have gone off on rants about childhoods in Texas and conservative parents. But that is a part of who I am, a girl from a state where if the sun doesn’t kill you its environment will. That is also on the west part of the state which happens to be a desert. Not everyone growing up in Texas has had to deal with that harsh of a climate. Anywho, that pretty much encompassed my rant and I had to rethink my approach to introducing myself.
Thankfully a friend reminded me of the K.I.S.S. method of writing, Keep It Simple Stupid. All I needed to talk about was who I was and how long I’d been tarot reading. So I begin with my name and where I currently live along with where to find my office. Then I get to how long I’ve been tarot reading and how I got started. This sends me off on another rant about Baptist and autistic brains, on how it was easy to get overwhelmed so of course I would leave to get some air. That it wasn’t my fault there was a metaphysical shop two blocks away.
Removing most of that speech from my intro I did leave it at the fact that I found a metaphysical shop I found a block away from a church I was attending in 2015. It’s the truth without being too much truth. I did explain that the tarot cards call out to me because of a psychology class I was also taking at the time. This gives my class at least some academic standing as what I currently do is get paid to test Carl Gustav Jung’s theory about human predictability. If you’d like to see the lecture yourself and you’re in the area follow this link for tickets http://www.oregonghostconference.com/IntroductiontoTarotReading.html.
The lecture is written out and I am excited for what comes next!!!!
There are so many things that I have been able to do since moving to Oregon in 2019. I’ve had jobs that lasted longer than two months. I fell in love with someone and had my heart broken by them. I obtained a vehicle only to realize I like public transportation better (Mostly because it was only a third of the cost of owning a vehicle monthly and gave me a chance to read.). I even started my own tarot reading business called Crows of Fate Psychic Services. It is doing well enough that I am teaching a class at the Oregon Ghost Conference happening in Seaside in a couple of weeks.
I am beyond excited about this event, even if the idea of teaching complete strangers fills me with anxiety. I have the PowerPoint presentation done and the research under my belt that will be in the lecture I will give. The nerves come from the fact that this is my first teaching position. My advisors tell me that things will work out the way it is supposed to and I should have faith in the information I have gathered. This isn’t even my only event of the year. I’ve been told that if you follow this link http://www.oregonghostconference.com/IntroductiontoTarotReading.html you should still be able to get tickets.
I will also be at a bar in South West Portland doing tarot readings every third Monday of the month. It is one of the few regular gigs that I enjoy. The Taphouse is a 100-year-old building that has lived many lives as either a brothel, family home or Crab Shack. Right now they have decent brews on tap and the best fried mushrooms in the area. I love bringing out my tarot cards, even without clients the area has a great vibe.
I have spent exactly one year away from this platform. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I had no idea how I was going to explain anything that was happening at the time. The year started off with an event on the coast and ended at an event center with me giving a workshop on the Basics of Tarot Reading. There were three different camping events at Ffynnon I attended that year. One where I met a Spyder and shared tea with the Elders, a summer camping trip where I got to witness the passing of a torch, and one where I participated in a graduation ceremony for the Witchcraft 101 class I was taking throughout the year. How can one really explain any of that? At least that is what I thought because I was raised by conservative parents. My 2023 has been a very magical year and I want to talk about it.
My first event of the year was in March at the Ghost Conference held in Seaside Oregon every Spring Break. I had borrowed money for the table and a ride from Pagan Fyre Mobile just to get there. A friend of mine put me up so I didn’t have to pay for a hotel room, which was the only thing that made it worth even trying. I had a spot on Psychic’s Row right where everyone was coming in at the end of a long line of established psychics. It was very nerve-wracking as I felt that maybe was too new at this to sit next to other tarot readers and divination specialists. Especially since I could boast no other talent than tarot reading from a deck that was first published in 2017, two years after I started learning the craft. The Crow Tarot created by MJ Cullinane in 2017 is a beautiful deck with wonderfully honest Crows and my favorite to use in my business.
I did well at the conference. I was able to make back the money I borrowed as well as buy birthday gifts for my twins. There were so many people there that I got to meet, and one woman who thought if she thought hard enough I would give her a free reading. She never verbalized wanting a reading so I never verbalized a free reading as an option. Which is fine, I am sure we will do the dance again at the next Ghost Conference. For some people, I ended up trading readings for things like earrings and organic soap. Anyone who got a reading from me generally liked what was said. My favorite part is always when the client points out how I managed to say the right thing connected to their problem. This is only a surprise for them because they don’t verbalize the question until the end of the reading. Using this method I have only had five readings that have left bad impressions.
One was asking a yes or no question about their future, which, no matter how many cards you pull, will always read ‘It depends on the choices you make’. Another didn’t like me telling her the same thing the last few psychics told her. There was one lady who was absolutely certain that she was right and that I was missing something in the answer. The rest were readings for friends in which I did not agree with my Crows but that is a topic for another day. At least this event left me with enough money to buy a victory book and pay for the next event.
I did not do so well at the MeWeFair I attended in April. I did make some connections that helped Pagan Fyre in its own event planning later on in 2023. I did get to attend Beltane at Ffynnon as a solo camping trip. I did not get to participate in the early rites as I did not get a ride until Friday, so I only got half of that experience.
I will change that for 2024. An easy feat as my current Witchcraft teacher led the rites to Ffynnon’s Beltane 2023. It was during this camping trip that was privileged enough to share tea and spirits with the Elders of Ffynnon. I say spirits, in reality, it is homemade meade that is absolutely wonderful. The people I met around that fire have shaped a lot of how I handled the curve balls 2023 threw at me. The first of which was the closing of Pagan Fyre.
For the entire month of June Pagan Fyre had closed its doors. There was Sunfest XXXIII to worry about so I tried not to be too disappointed in the store’s closure. I will admit that it did affect me negatively and may have affected my attitude at the Sunfest event. I would also hazard a guess that the creepy dude who smelt like the bad drugs was the one having that effect on me. Especially as he found a reason to move his tent ever so closer to mine.
The Ffynnon Elders took care of the problem and I lost my place in OWOW that was hosting the event on Ffynnon property. I did get to see the passing of a torch that summer. An event I will detail in another blog that will be released in January as I have to get clearance from the main players of that story. I did make some friends and am part of the Mushroom Meadow Ffynnon crowd.
At least July saw the reopening of Pagan Fyre, mostly as a mobile operation, but it opened. We also had customers coming in asking to buy what we had in stock. Not all of our customers stayed but I can see who the loyal ones are. Which made it worth the reopening process. Not to mention the events that Pagan Fyre was able to pull together for the end of the year.
Pagan Fyre ended the year with Crows of Fate Psychic Services (my business) and Slayter Curiosities (our sponsor) hosting two events at the Wingspan Event Center in Hillsboro Oregon. The Harvest Moon Bazaar in September and the Winter Moon Bazaar in December. One was bigger than the other but both did fairly well as far as patronage went. Every vendor is wondering when our next event is so we’re already getting the Fireside Moon Bazaar off the ground so that it can happen February 24 next year. My only job is to fill the Workshops, which I have done already for the Fireside bazaar. A thing I was only able to accomplish because I spent 2023 learning how I could be the best witch that I could possibly be. I can promise 2024 will see more of me and My Crows advising people of their Fates and general witchy behavior. Especially since the Basics in Tarot Reading workshop I did for the Winter Moon Bazaar will be expanded into an Intro to Tarot Reading class I will be posting about soon.
This year has been interesting for me. I’ve made new friends and had a couple new experiences. So much has happened I haven’t been able to write about it at all. Mostly I wasn’t sure how to process all of the changes that I was going through. Now the year is ending and all I can think about is how different my life was in January.
When this year started I was going through a break up, renting a room in a family home, and working a mundane job. Everyday was the same, waiting to see if my ex wanted to keep his promise and stay friends. I would try to socialize with the christian family I was staying with as I passed through the house to smoke outside. Most days I worked the graveyard shift as a security guard, driving a car that was leaking everywhere I went. My days off were spent doing laundry and sleeping because I had no energy for anything else. That’s not really existence I would call living. Luckily for me, everything changed with one stroke of really rotten luck.
April came around and I was trying to start a wiccan practice by doing rituals and meditation. This required burning herbs and lighting candles. This didn’t sit well with the lady I was renting a room from. Even with explaining what I was doing and her nodding as if she understood, she soon found her own reason for me being gone. I lost my place of living because of my religious practices and was blamed on my choice of medication. I am medically prescribed cannabis for the CPTSD I am currently in therapy for. She accused me of smoking inside and didn’t want me lighting candles even if I was doing so for prayer.
Around the same time my security job started drug testing when a janitor left drug paraphernalia behind during my shift. Because the company I worked for is a national company, having cannabis in your system is still a fireable offense. Granted, the fact that it is prescribed should give me some leeway in that area. I just ran into some bad luck with getting the right paperwork to the right people because of the logistical nightmare that is HR. So I lost both my job and my place to live.
I had no friends I could turn to as everyone I knew was my ex’s friends. My family back south would’ve taken me back in but that puts me back where I started three years ago when I was looking down the barrel of a gun, almost quite literally. An ex-girlfriend did gift me with a barely running RV so I wouldn’t be entirely homeless, for that I will always be grateful. I still didn’t know where I was going to go or what I was going to do with my life. So I went to the closest pagan store and asked for advice.
The Shopkeeper was nice enough to point out where I could park the RV and we made a deal that I would pay him rent each month for me to be able to use his tarot reading space. It would definitely be a new chapter for me as I never really did readings for other people before. As it turns out I shouldn’t have been so nervous about it. I’ve been able to do enough readings to pay for the space and put a little food on my table, but not much else.
The job is located at Pagan Fyre in Cornelius has also connected me with others in the Pagan community and I have an actual teacher now. I experienced a large ritual during the Litha celebration held at Ffynnon. I’ve participated in three Pagan events this year as a vendor, each time doing a little better marketing myself as a tarot reader. I’ve even gotten Pagan Fyre on social media enough that people are talking about it and coming into the shop. There is a lot I’ve accomplished in seven months since I lost everything I knew. I am proud of myself and I can’t wait to see what I accomplish in 2023.
I left a small section of the world I knew for the slim chance at being myself for once in my life. The problem soon became that I spent so much time complaining about the things I never got to do because of the fact that I was raised as a Southern Baptist in Texas, I never really tried to do anything I wanted or even thought about who it was I was trying to be in the first place. This led to my first three years living in Portland, Or being very reflective of the life I thought I left behind. I was hanging out with the same types of social groups, falling into a relationship that dictated I be subservient, even sticking to miserable jobs because they were a secure income. This really wasn’t what I was trying to accomplish leaving everything I grew up with, I had to change something quickly.
Everything eventually came to light when I found a decent therapist in Oregon, which is really hard even in a place known for it’s mental health help. I shared one of my biggest fears with her about being forgotten. In proper therapist fashion instead of comforting my fears she gives me a quote from Ursula Le Gwin, “You can not be forgotten if you are thinking of yourself.” This led me down a rabbit hole of self discovery that caused me to lose my two year relationships, my job, and even the place I was living because of religious differences. Who was I really thinking of if I wasn’t thinking of myself? Did I truly know myself or was I focused on this idealized version of who I thought I should be? I had to realize that I stayed in a job that guaranteed hours and pay despite my misery. That I was conditioned to be subservient in all romantic relationships for the pleasure of my partner. I had even started to mirror the views of those around me and those around my partner because I believed that was normal. All of these things are what I hated about growing up in the south and had to admit that I let myself fall into familiar patterns. So now I have to figure myself out all over again starting with a blank slate.
I recognize that I am a Good Witch and a halfway decent psychic. At my current job in Cornelius, Or I have been able to doing Tarot readings with a Crow deck purchased at a Pagan Event I went to in Beaverton, Or. The shop owner has let me create spells that have benefited the shop and have made enough money with my Tarot reading to be able to keep up with rent. So I’m now on a spiritual journey doing things to make a living outside of the comforts of Corporate America. I’m finding that paganism is easier on a person’s soul than Christian ideals. Especially since most pagan practices teaches you to be patient with your own mistakes and all through out my Christian upbringing I was taught to be ashamed of failures. What I am doing now helps me to heal past traumas and succeed in an unforgiving world. The connections I’m forging bring me more into my idealized version of how my life should be. Which goes to show that there really is nothing wrong with being me.
I had a wonderful opportunity recently to be with others who practice witchcraft and paganism. It was a wonderful time of community and I got to see for myself what my parents were so afraid of. What I discovered was my parent’s fear was rooted in the societal stigma associated with being a witch. Even though the Witch Trials happened hundreds of years ago many still live in fear of it happening again because humans fear what is different. I did my duty as the wonderful daughter and tried to fit in with society and its rules. Only, it’s not something I am capable of doing because I don’t process information the same way most people do. I can See the patterns everyone falls in and I can See the choices people are likely to make. Even my dreams are filled with omens and portents that come true 60% of the time. I have started a tarot reading practice that has had a 90% success rate with complete strangers, the only two iffy reads being someone who thought they could control the outcome and an older tarot reader I met at Ffynnon (pronounced fin-non).
Dionysus Circle, Ffynnon, Vernoina, Or
So, what I discovered in finding myself is that I am everything my parents were afraid of me being. Their fear was rooted in antiquated ideas that to be different means to be shunned by society if not an outright death sentence. I understand their fears since society still likes to harshly judge everything that is different and non-christian. I just can’t keep walking around pretending I am blind to what I See because it makes Christians uncomfortable. Today I move forward with my practice and proudly proclaim that I am a witch.
I agreed to write a memoir on why I decided to give my only twins up for adoption in 2010. I struggled with starting this for years because all of my decisions were made through the lens of untreated CPTSD. What I did was an act of saving my daughters, at least in my mind, giving me the title ‘Setting Them Free’. The outline afterward came easily with the three main ideas being, My Thoughts on Motherhood – exploring my own relationship with my mother, Falling In Love and Lust – how meeting their father and our relationship went for two years, and Living With Family – the toxic traits I had to fight against while living with my brothers and father. Looking at the list I realized they could be broken down even more into easily dealt with chapters but this required me to understand more of the Trauma that seems to run in my family. I struggled for a few months not wanting to face the truth of my own trauma caused by my parents. A visit to the library gave me a book titled The Trauma Spectrum by Robert Scaer. On page twelve as he is setting the reader up to understand trauma on a clinical level he says something that changed my whole perspective on my relationship with my Mom.
” The nature versus nurture, genes versusexperience dilemma is especially important in the field of development of the brain and behavior. Many mental illnesses and behavioral and personality traits are considered to be primarily genetic in nature. In fact, genes are routinely activated or “switched on” by experience, often only during a window of opportunity in early infancy.”
I will admit that my therapist has been spending months trying to get me to understand that my parents were only human and acted the only way they knew how. I couldn’t seem to believe her because some part of my brain kept insisting that my parents knew what they were doing, especially my own Mother. However, the above text tells me that traumatic behavior and actions can be triggered early in life and many may not know or understand that it has even happened. Thus, they end up repeating cycles that happened to them as if they are normal or right. Now I’ve got to take another look at my idea of Motherhood. Did I start to get the idea because I wanted a list of ways to better person than my Mom? Or did I create my list for a perfect Mother because they were the traits my own lacked that I found in others? I can certainly see that my own trauma responses to life were triggered early by the same things that triggered my Mom and her Mom before her making it true that trauma can be generational.
Trying to prevent my own daughters from having CPTSD is the main reason I gave them up for adoption. Finding the right parents just took a stubborn will to only accept the parents who had the ability to love my twins as much as I do. Now I am trying to find a way to explain what I did without making my family look like the villains in the story. Robert Scaer’s words remind me that just because they are the villains in my story doesn’t mean they always are, or that they weren’t designed to be that way by generational trauma and societal pressure. So I feel like I can move forward with less guilt, especially if I view it as generational healing instead of mud-slinging like I am afraid the memoir Setting Them Free will be viewed by my surviving family members.
Random Ideas of a Chaotic Mind 