Finding Myself

I had a wonderful opportunity recently to be with others who practice witchcraft and paganism. It was a wonderful time of community and I got to see for myself what my parents were so afraid of. What I discovered was my parent’s fear was rooted in the societal stigma associated with being a witch. Even though the Witch Trials happened hundreds of years ago many still live in fear of it happening again because humans fear what is different. I did my duty as the wonderful daughter and tried to fit in with society and its rules. Only, it’s not something I am capable of doing because I don’t process information the same way most people do. I can See the patterns everyone falls in and I can See the choices people are likely to make. Even my dreams are filled with omens and portents that come true 60% of the time. I have started a tarot reading practice that has had a 90% success rate with complete strangers, the only two iffy reads being someone who thought they could control the outcome and an older tarot reader I met at Ffynnon (pronounced fin-non).

Dionysus Circle, Ffynnon, Vernoina, Or

So, what I discovered in finding myself is that I am everything my parents were afraid of me being. Their fear was rooted in antiquated ideas that to be different means to be shunned by society if not an outright death sentence. I understand their fears since society still likes to harshly judge everything that is different and non-christian. I just can’t keep walking around pretending I am blind to what I See because it makes Christians uncomfortable. Today I move forward with my practice and proudly proclaim that I am a witch.

Growing Pains

Many a millennial has complained that adulting is hard, and it really is. I spent the last three weeks trying sort out a place to stay and figuring out how to pay the bills I currently have. I also tried to juggle a couple of relationships and take time off to mourn the death of my mother. Lets just say that there are a lot of hurt feelings and I lost at least one relationship in my life. While she was a comfort to me in the past, this time I failed her somehow.

There is a part of me that wants to rant, scream, and rave at the unfairness of ot all. Like a spoiled child that expects a tantrum to solve all the problems so that you can get what you want. Instead, I am standing back, grateful to still have the love in my life that I do. It’s hard for me to leave things the way they are right now. The thirteen year old part of my brain wants to go 90’s Rom-Com to win my friend back. However, none of those scenarios work out and things stay unresolved further tainting a once healthy relationship.

So, I’m not going to do anything. I’ll be an adult and focus on what I can. NaNoWriMo is just around the corner and I’ve got to finish teasing out my outline if I plan to make goal this year. My car requires maintenance and I’ve got to work on a budget for that. Which means I have to suck it up and cut out a few unnecessary expenses. Adulting sucks but we all have to grow up sometime.

View from my car.

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Portland

For about a year now I’ve been sitting on this idea of what Portland is, or at least what I wanted it to be. I grew up in the very conservative state of Texas. Most residents, even the criminals, are extremely religious and have their idea of what is proper. Granted we do have San Antonio but that city is usually just waved off by the rest of the state as a necessary ‘tourist trap’ and warned never to stay there for too long. Still, not really a welcoming place for a girl like me who tends to be different just by breathing.

My Mother would say I was contrary by nature. If you told me not to go somewhere I tended to want to go there. I loved to read the ghost stories and go to the places you’re warned against because of things happening that others couldn’t explain. I honestly wanted to know and understand why others saw those places or things as dangerous unsolvable problems. I honestly loved the mystery of it all. My hubris is believing that there is no problem that can’t be solved. It just takes seeing the problems from all angles including from the perspective of the problem.

This didn’t really sit well with the people I lived with, or tended to be surrounded by. They all believed that there was only one view and the other side was wrong. Each truly believed that the other would see their side and ‘come to the light’. Neither seemed to want to realize they all had the same message, they just changed a few of the flourishes to suite the audience.

So imagine my surprise when I come to this grand city and just of few blocks of what used to be the Greyhound station is this strip club. Dante’s stands out bold on the front canopy and people are lining up around the corner despite the fact that the sun hasn’t set yet. On the back of this building facing the parking lot is an equally vivid sign declaring that we keep Portland weird. All around me are people of varying differences celebrating each other for those differences.

I can truly say that it is an odd feeling being in a place where I don’t have to I have to fight for the right to be different. So, I’m taking the time to find out how truly different I am and what it is that I really want myself to be.